I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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