soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
