i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
