I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
