i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
