there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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