Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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