If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
