Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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