So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
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