u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
