just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
