one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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