I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
