pedialite and red bull = repair kit
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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