Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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