I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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