My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
