I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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