I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
