This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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