a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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