I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
