we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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