you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
