I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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