He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
