The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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