My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
