i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
