yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
