my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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