you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
