My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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