You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Im part way to drunk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
