My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
