yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
