she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
