this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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