i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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