I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
