I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
