best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
