I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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