The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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