Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
