my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
