and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
