Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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