when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
