A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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