cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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