U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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