i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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