not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's even glitter on my cock...
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