Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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